Today, I want to discuss how to resolve conflict without a Judge.

Of course, you can go to Court and have a Judge decide, but that’s not always the best. Most conflict can be resolved if people simple listened to each other and limit their discussion to the issue of concern and not drag out a history of upset.

If you wish to maintain a relationship with your opponent then there is no choice but to compromise. If you don’t care about the relationship then why even argue, just walk away.

If a Judge is forced to decide a case its more likely there will be a winner and loser. However, if you attempt to resolve a conflict between two people, both can walk away relative winners by using listening, empathy and compromise.

The classic book on this is ‘Getting to Yes’. Every lawyer reads this in law school. It’s a must read for every parent and teenager, every husband and wife to read together with the other side. In Family Law, the one who attempts a resolution usually has the best chance of achieving their goal.

Just think about what is happening in American politics. You cannot have a winner and loser when two parties want to maintain a relationship. The process is simple. Let’s take for example a husband who comes home late on his anniversary after the partner has cooked a special dinner or you’re a teenager in a fight with his mother over a messy room.

In the first case, the hurt spouse starts demanding where was he? Why didn’t he phone? They expand the conflict to other offending occasions. The late spouse starts defending himself and introduces past events where she was unfair in her demands as an excuse. The argument then covers the last 6 months of their marriage. Stop here! It’s better to bite the bullet.

The first step is “Effective Listening”. Let the angry person vet their upset – blow off steam. Just listen instead of thinking what you want to say in reply. Not listening and self-defense is the usual default reaction. It’s natural but wrong.

Now after you have honestly listened, start in a softer voice (people are forced to listen to soft voices over loud ones) and try to repeat politely the essence of the complaint you heard, such as “You’re upset because it was a special event and you spent all day making a special meal…You cared and you think I didn’t.”

These words show that you heard her and appreciate her feelings. Nagging by a parent or spouse is usually caused by the belief that the other party has not heard their argument. Teenagers could learn if they respectfully repeated their parents concern, the parent would be satisfied the child has heard them and reduce nagging. I didn’t say stop nagging, that’s in a parent’s genes. Listen and show you understand what the other person is saying.

The second important step is to show empathy or understanding for the other persons position. Don’t try to defend yourself here. The partner could say “I understand how upset you are, I was inconsiderate. Accept responsibility. The teenager would answer, “ I know your sister is coming over tomorrow and you want the house to look neat and tidy including my room. These aren’t the exact words you use – but you get the idea.

Do not expand on issues of the past, keep the discussion focused. You cannot resolve an entire relationship in a forty-five-minute argument. You can only resolve the one issue – the room or lateness. That is why many Judges after the lawyer makes his argument , will condense what they think they heard and say, “If I understand you correctly your position is …… and the lawyer will either agree or correct the error. It shows you understood the complaint. Once you have shown you understand the argument and have displayed empathy, offer a solution, a compromise – “I will phone next time, I am truly sorry here” or for the teenager, “I will clean my room before supper.” Offer concrete steps to ensure the matter will not happen again.

This technique is easy to teach but difficult to do – even I fail to follow it. We don’t like to listen or admit responsibility but it often works. Read the Book. Read it with your spouse or children.

Judge Lloyd Budzinski retired after 28 years and was a former Crown Attorney, Defence Counsel and Ontario’s Assistant Deputy Minister for Criminal law. He was the Chief Prosecutor in the high-profile trial of former RCMP officer Patrick Michael Kelly, who was found guilty of murder for throwing his wife from the 17^th floor balcony of their Palace Pier condo in March 1981.